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Today was different.
I woke up feeling like myself for the first time in a year or so. A week ago, I came out as queer. I was falling for a pretty girl with long, straight, dark hair and she was so tall, it made up for all the inches I lost by drinking ‘Complan for kids’. Today, I felt so undeniably queer that even my Pinterest feed had me by the neck. School started in a few minutes so I got out of bed to go wash my face. Looking in the mirror, and I found my dark circles to be more evident than yesterday. It was like they had their own clear-cut, defined and bold personality. My eyes looked like Tom from ‘Tom and Jerry’ if he was a coffee addict in a non-caffeinated drink commercial. I let out a huff and shook it off.
I sat on my rolly chair and turned until I felt like throwing up. I laid my palms on the computer’s keyboard as I stared into the blank screen. The clock struck 8:00, and I switched on my computer. “You don’t want to be late for history” I spoke under my breath, as if someone were watching my every move. As class began, I conveniently turned to music. My knight in shining armour. After all, what’s a day without ‘Highway to Hell’ on loop? I pulled out my diary from the top shelf of the cupboard as I tore out a few pages of my past and shredded them to pieces; leaving more space for what was to come.
Half the day had passed while I looked for things to stimulate my mind. I stood in the bathroom, pouring jugs of hot water on my face. I could feel my mind releasing itself. Whether I accept it or not, I was always subconsciously pretending; faking being myself. I shut the tap off and wiped myself dry as I defogged the mirror. I brushed my hair down and looked into my own eyes. “Pretty”, I chuckled to myself. A light blue turtle neck, cropped sweater caught my eye from the closet. After some passionate rummaging through drawers, I found the exact pair of jeans to go with it. It had been so long since I had tried on colourful, feel-good clothes. I almost felt like the colour would overpower the shades of pellucid shambles, the colourless body I had taken shape of; hollow and transparent.
After trying on the outfit, I looked in the mirror but I hated it. The utter disbelief of being repudiated by colour broke me. Funny thing; psychology. My own mind was playing games with me and I couldn’t control it. No longer could I stand looking at myself in the ridiculous outfit, so I changed into a black shirt and black tracks. An orange jacket around my waist served as a pop of colour; Just the same way I eat chocolate for short-lived serotonin highs. Just like almost everything I do. Happiness is short-lived just like the rainbow I woke up in.
All the colours blended in and turned into dark black.
Life is nothing but a merging of rainbows and today was just another yesterday.
Hi, I'm Aashi. I enjoy overloading myself with extracurriculars as a distraction so my life is like the perfect chaotic bliss. I'm not a very social person so I love keeping my twisted mind some company. You can often find me with a book or with my very loving cats who run away when I try hugging them. On the contrary, I hate hugs but I always find myself craving one. We exist. The inspiration for my pieces simply come with the experiences of emotional overload but my love for writing is all about finding a personal safe space to pour my feelings into.
Click here to read Aashi's second submission for the issue!